life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think I am morally bankrupt
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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