just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
