my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
