Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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