Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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