someone threw a dead crab at me
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
