yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
