Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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