What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
drinking out of a sandbucket again
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
