I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
