i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
