My room smells like vodka and shame
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
This is the prime rib incident all over again
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize