I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
