70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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