I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
