Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
