Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My dad just said "fuck circus"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize