so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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