He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
