Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
