and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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