my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
