there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
