There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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