i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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