I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
