Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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