worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
