I accidentally had phone sex last night
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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