Betty ford says i'm here all night
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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