I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize