You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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