new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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