How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
