dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You are the jesus of drinking
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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