Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
