After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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