two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
