You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
