I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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