dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i need an iv and a liver transplant
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
