i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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