Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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