I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
