She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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