They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh god it's open bar.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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