So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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