dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
