pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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