I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
