thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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