guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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