3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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