I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize