at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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